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 BRAD GRAMMER'S STORY My attraction to men began when I was very young. My earliest memories go back to the age of six. At this time, I remember daydreaming that I would grow up to be a woman and marry a man. As I went through the grade school years, I quickly learned that I was different than other boys. My early playmates were mostly girls. There was no interest in sports so I rarely played with other boys. "Sissy" was often the word used to refer to me. They wanted me to know for sure that I was not one of them.My family moved from Illinois to Nebraska when I was in seventh grade. Being made fun of and picked on was a daily occurrence. Instead of hearing the word "sissy", male peers started to call me "faggot." I didn't even know what 'faggot' meant at this age. Only when I found out what these names meant did I actually begin to fear for my sexual identity. During adolescence, mere attraction to men intensified to sexual attraction. Teenage males were especially fascinating to me sexually. Although I had no relationships with males my age, I was still drawn to them. I desperately wanted not just a friend, but someone that would make me feel good, someone to complete me. I was desperately lonely and isolated from my peers.My relationship with my parents was not poor but it also wasn't intimate. My relationship with my father was particularly void of any emotional connection. My mother and father didn't know the problems I was experiencing at school. I was afraid and ashamed to tell them. Unfortunately, no one knew about the desires or struggles I was experiencing. During my high school years, I struggled daily with depression and was suicidal. As I entered college, I thought my struggles would decrease because I was in a new, more accepting environment. This was true for about a year, and then the depression came back. There was no direction in my life and I wondered about the purpose of my existence. If people were going to be as cruel as I had been treated during my adolescence, I thought, then I don't know if I want to stick around.My parents were Christians so going to church was a regular part of my family's life. Church became a place to worship but not a place to actually deal with the realities of life. Rarely were there testimonies where people shared about what God had been doing in specific areas of their lives. Sexual struggles were never mentioned. Christianity was reduced to generalities and everyone would praise the Lord over impersonal experiences. As far as I knew, no one seemed to have any problems. This was the only kind of Christianity of which I knew. During my second year of college, I had decided that if God didn't change my life, then I would exit from this world. One day, I took a step and chose to speak with the youth pastor at the church of which I was a member. While I shared and listened to him share about his life, I began to see that maybe there was some normality to the despair that was in my heart. Although I never shared about my homosexual desires, I did talk about other problems I was experiencing.As I went home that night, I asked the Lord to come into my heart. I had gone to church all of my life, and had been baptized at the age of eleven, but I never really knew what it meant to be saved by grace. The youth pastor clarified this in my mind. I wasn't convinced one hundred percent that God was going to remove my depression or change my sexual desires. This was a step of faith. There was no involvement in homosexual relationships at any point in my life. I struggled alone and silently. There was too much fear in my heart to get close to anyone. There were opportunities to get involved in homosexual sex, but I chose to avoid them. I was definitely tempted to participate. I chose not to, partly out of fear of the repercussions I thought I'd experience from God, and partly out of fear of the pain of relationship.After I asked Christ into my heart, God led a man into my life that wanted to disciple me. He was young, attractive, and athletic; definitely not the kind of man I would be able to be friends with in the past. My relationship with him turned into the first close relationship I ever experienced with a man. He was the first example of a man who was godly, yet honest about life and himself. After him, God led several other men in my life over the years that continued this modeling of intimacy and integrity in relationships. Through these men, I began to see the commonalities I had with them as well as the differences. When I first accepted Christ, I had no idea what needed to happen to experience any kind of change in my sexual desires. There were no ministries addressing homosexuality in my area and there were few books available. I assumed that I would always have these desires and that I would remain celibate. Looking back, I can see what God was doing.Through my relationships with men and a vibrant, growing relationship with Jesus Christ, I experienced a transformation of my desires. The focus was never on trying to change my sexual desires. As I addressed unresolved emotional and spiritual issues within, the by-product was that I went from being exclusively attracted to men to being exclusively attracted to women. I am married now and have two young boys. My sexual attraction continues to be exclusively for my wife. God has freed me from my homosexual desires and He continues to work in my life for His glory. |